Let’s pretend that it’s not been like nine years since I wrote anything, and carry on as normal, yes?
I was listening to a running podcast the other day (I don’t remember which one exactly), and it got me thinking. The host had this guest on, and they were talking about the prevalence of eating disorders amongst “athletes” – i.e. people who train professionally.
I could not relate in any way to the actual “athlete” part of it (my coach said this or that or whatever, when I was training for this big event…), as I am totally not an athlete (I just like running), but what really resonated with me was that instead of saying that you can’t have had an eating disorder and have a normal relationship with exercise: they said that it can even HELP you in your recovery. At least, that’s what I took from it.
LOOK IT UP: https://trainbrave.org
Now, this is a topic about which I have a LOT to say. It’s not pretty, or uplifting, or even very funny, even with the passing of time. It’s really shitty, in fact. However, today I felt the stirrings of some old insecurities, and with that came the urge to write.
Someone asked me if I was writing this blog in an attempt to “let go” of this history, and at the time I denied it, saying I simply wanted to share my story. But I’ve thought about it and I think what my friend said is probably true. I’m not over it. I can’t just pretend it never happened. Although maybe letting go is something I can share with you, in the same way.
By the way, this story isn’t going to be published in neat, chronologically-ordered chapters. It’s broken and messy and probably quite incoherent. I hope you don’t mind because I, too, am messy and broken and quite incoherent. Heh.
THIS POST MAY BE TRIGGERING TO THOSE WHO HAVE HAD SIMILAR EXPERIENCES. IF YOU DON’T THINK IT WOULD BE HELPFUL TO READ IT, PLEASE DON’T.